Sometimes I’ll be listening to a song that I’ve heard a million times and a certain lyric will just jump out and punch me in the face with emotions. This happened to me the other day when I was listening to “The District Sleeps Alone Tonight”. I was listening to the Birdy cover of it, but that’s not really the important part of this story. I haven’t been able to get the line “Why I was the one worth leaving” out of my head. It’s been haunting me. Greeting me when I wake up and singing to me in the shower. For over a week now. At first it made me feel sad and unlovable and strangely lopsided. But, then it got me thinking…thinking…thinking… about lust and about loss and about unrequited love and how much it fucking sucks. I finally realized that the reason this lyric is haunting me is because it reminds me of the first time (and the worst time) I had my heart ripped out. The love of my life (to date) said to me through tears when he broke up with me…”I have to do this because I love you so much. I know you can’t understand that right now, but I hope someday you will.” That’s the last thing he ever said to me. I think I’m finally starting to understand what he meant. I suppose I was the one worth leaving and I suppose I appreciate him for being strong enough to admit that.
- If he can’t take his eyes or his hands off of his iPhone then he probably won’t be putting his eyes or his hands on you.
- If he doesn’t tell other people you are his girlfriend, then you aren’t his girlfriend.
- If he tells you to “stop using such big words” then he’s not on your level. You shouldn’t have to dumb down for a dude.
- Don’t hate the douchebag; hate the girl (me) who falls for his douchebaggery.
- When you go to the grocery store, take a boy you like with you…you’ll make much healthier purchases to impress him!
- There comes a point in every relationship where he is gonna quote Will Ferrell. It’s inevitable.
- If you ever begin to wonder why a good guy is hard to find just remember that there is a song with the lyrics “I wish I could fuck every girl in the world.” And it’s popular.
- If your drinking styles don’t match up in the beginning, it’s probably not going to work out.
- Good sex almost always leads to heartbreak.
My friend Julia and I were at a bar (surprising, I know) and I said, “Let’s make a ‘I’d rather do this than this’ list!” and she said “I love ‘I’d rather do this than this’ lists!” So, she talked and I took notes. Here’s her hilarious list…
- I would rather watch you dance on a barstool than pee on a barstool.
- I would rather have a colonoscopy than have you put it in my butt.
- I’d rather do the running man for 26 hours than run a marathon.
- I would rather make out with a leper than get herpes from your face.
- I would rather give you a blow job than pretend to feel it in my vagina.
- I would rather be Amy Winehouse than date you anymore (I’m not sure if she means the alive or dead Amy Winehouse, I’ll have to find out).
- I would rather hear Shakira’s voice than listen to you talk.
- I would rather have Morgan Freeman narrate my life than live my life.
First I would like to thank you for offering a gluten free crust option! I’ve been gluten free for 12 years now and have always dreamt of being able to order pizza delivery. Thanks to you, Dominos, that dream is now a reality! I also want to thank you for creating the pizza tracker. What an innovative and fun way to be a part of the pizza delivery process! I love that I can see who is making my pizza and when it goes in the oven and when it is on it’s way to my house. Being able to track the pizza from it’s beginning stages all the way to my doorstep really gets me excited by the time it arrives!
Unfortunately, last Thursday night when I tried to order my pizza online, your website was down. I couldn’t believe my eyes so I kept trying but my order wasn’t going through the way it normally does and kept sending me back to the home screen when I tried to submit it. I didn’t realize how dependent I had become on the pizza tracker until that moment. You know what they say, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone! After a few tries I decided to give up and call my local Domino’s to see what was going on. The gentleman that answered the phone seemed like he didn’t understand my frustration. I asked him if I could order over the phone, a process that seems archaic since the pizza tracker came into my life, and he said I could. He seemed to be distracted and rushing so I told him my order and address as fast as I could. Then I just sat on my couch. Waiting. No way to see if my pizza was going in the oven and who my pizza chef was. No way to see when it was on the way or who my delivery driver was. It was a pretty lonely moment and when the pizza arrived I felt so disconnected from it. Not to mention that one of the toppings I ordered was missing and it was cut different than usual. My pizza was cut like an XL pizza is usually cut but it was a small, making it more difficult to dip into the little ranch cup.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my bad experience on Thursday, which is why I chose to share it with you. I don’t want to give up on you yet, Dominos, but I’m hoping that we can get back on track with the pizza tracker. I was also wondering why you don’t offer coupons for gluten free pizzas? Those little guys can get pretty pricy and it would be nice to get a deal once in awhile…especially when I’m putting up with a broken website and inconsistent pizza cutting patterns.
On a Friday in August I was feeling depressed and thirsty, and a little hungry, but I’m usually feeling at least one or a combination of all of those things. So, as usual, that’s how I was feeling. I decided after looking at an apartment (the one I would later move into) that I would go to the bar of a restaurant my friend worked at. Drinking alone is less intimidating if you know people on the staff, right!? So, I head to the bar and a seemingly nice old man pulls out a chair for me and says “Well hello there!” He was so inviting that I ended up sitting there talking to him for a couple of hours. He showered me with compliments and interesting conversation. He told me all about his law firm and his 3 ex-wives and his 5 kids…3 of them being triplets! How cool! He told me about the racehorse he owned and the cars he owned and the houses he owned. And he didn’t seem offended when I asked him things like “Triplets at your age!? Let me guess, fertility drugs were involved?” He picked up my tab. He invited me to join him on Sunday when he was going to Hollywood Park to see his horse. I told him I would have to bring a friend for support because I can’t be going all the way to Hollywood with a 75 year old! What if he had a heart attack or something? He said that was fine. So, we parted ways and exchanged numbers with plans to meet on Sunday at 8am (what a ridiculous hour!). It wasn’t easy to talk my poor friend Julia into going with me but it went something like this…
Me-“Animals! Free Brunch!” Julia-“ok”
I learned a few things that day at the racetrack…
- Old men drive very slow. And walk even slower.
- Old men are just as perverted as young men.
- Old men don’t have the same idea of “brunch” as us young (I know, I’m not that young) ladies do. I realized this as I was eating at a cafeteria with all the horse keepers and WITHOUT a mimosa.
Any normal person would have probably parted ways with the old man after that day, realizing he was creepy. But not me! I like to stick around until things get really weird! Which they did. I’ll spare you all the details but let’s just say there were lots of awkward text messages (who knew? 75 year olds are pretty text savvy!). He ended up getting needy…always wanting me to come hang out with him at the bar. Or go to see the horses again. Or stopping by my work and telling people that I was his future ex-wife. Or getting weird when I talked about boys my own age. He did do some nice things too! Well, when I say nice I really mean financially generous. He picked up my tab every time I saw him. And paid for my friends and I to have a “driver” for a birthday party. I suspected that his intentions weren’t good the whole time and oh, how right I was! On a Friday night he guilted me into meeting him for a drink. I had had a long day and was in a pretty bad mood but I felt like I owed him something for getting us a driver a few days earlier, so I went. And that’s the night he offered to be my “sponsor”. Yes, I said SPONSOR. In other words, he offered me money for sex. Straight up. And it was a generous offer! $4000 a month to have sex with him once a week, blowjobs the week of my period. These words actually came out of his mouth! And I sat there straight faced and listened. I even asked some questions for clarification purposes. I didn’t slap him, but I should have. I should have slapped him and then kicked him and then taken his wallet and run out of that place screaming! But instead I politely declined and said that doing something like that would make me feel gross and I prefer working for my money. Then flashed him an awkward smile. When I left I cried in my car for quite some time. It feels pretty shitty when someone offers you money for sex. Because I think sex is supposed to be special, crazy me! The moral of the story is…there’s no such thing as a free driver and lonely friday nights can get a girl into some VERY strange situations.
- Cleaning up a strangers puke is the most degrading, awful experience ever. If you have lived your life without having to do this then you are a lucky fucker.
- Men think jewelry is worn to give them a message…”So, what does your necklace mean?” It means I was at forever 21 and thought it was cute so I sprung $4.80 on it! Or maybe it does mean something but I don’t really want to get into how I’m wearing my dead Grandmas jewelry with you.
- People that ask, “what do you recommend?” don’t actually want to order anything you recommend they just really like the sound of your voice!
- People that say “I never send things back but…” are just nervous about sending something back and probably do it all the time. It’s ok to send things back! I don’t want you to pay for something you don’t like!
- The most high maintenance people tip the worst. It’s like Murphy’s Law!
- Blind dates are super awkward and there is no one that is immune to the nervousness that comes with waiting to meet a person you don’t know. But it’s so exciting when they end with a makeout!
- Dudes don’t know how to keep a bathroom clean and also get mad and punch walls and mirrors a lot more than girls do.
- Most girls love to show their boobs, all you have to do is be sleazy enough to ask!
- Being able to find the bathroom without asking is a MAJOR sign of intelligence.
- If an old man offers you money for sex, take it! Then kick him in the shins and run. He’s old, he’ll never be able to catch you!
- When you get carded but he doesn’t…you might be dating out of your age range.
- When a guy blows up a queen size air mattress for you to sleep on and then goes and sleeps on the couch…he’s just not into you (and he needs to get a real bed).
- If you can’t decide whether you’d rather have a Honey Boo Boo marathon by yourself on a Friday night or go out with a certain dude…you’re just not into him.
- If you can easily kick his ass at words with friends, scramble with friends AND real life games, it’s not gonna work out.
- If he can’t send a text without typos, misspellings and grammatical errors then he’s probably never gonna want to talk about books. Or write you a love letter.
- If you meet him on okcupid and he asks you to text him photos BEFORE you’ve met him in real life, then he totally just wants to sex you up.
- If he seems angry on the first date he’s not trying to be cute, he’s ACTUALLY angry!
- If his okcupid screen name makes you cringe then his conversating will probably make you barf.
On Tuesday I went to a show at the Bootleg Bar in Echo Park. I was really excited to see this new band that I’ve been enjoying lately and I was also excited because I was going with some girls I don’t get to see enough of. And, any Tuesday that I don’t have to be at work is a good Tuesday. During the show I noticed this intense energy from behind me but I ignored it cause I think I’m pretty good at telling my intuition to shut up. Towards the end of the show the guy standing behind me taps me on the shoulder and says, “So one of your friends was jumping up and down earlier trying to see the band and now your other friend is doing yoga poses on the ground?” to which I replied, “Yes, gotta love em!” He then introduced himself and asked me my name. I thought in the world of first impressions it was an ok one and turned back around to finish watching the show. On my way out I felt someone grab my arm and it was him! He said “I know we didn’t talk much but I think you’re cute and was thinking we could have a drink sometime.” I admired his boldness so I said, “Sure!” and we exchanged numbers.
The next day he sent me a cute text asking if all my friends were crazy and I said of course they were cause I love weirdos. We joked back and forth about red flags and he asked what I was doing Thursday. I told him that Thursday night I had a birthday dinner to go to but maybe we could meet for a drink before that (I figured I’d already be dressed up for dinner so I may as well get as much use out of a cute outfit as possible). He said he had to be in the studio until late but would meet up with me after dinner. I didn’t like this idea from the get go because I knew I would be hanging out with the birthday crew and everyone would probably be drunk. But, he kinda didn’t take no for an answer…which I would later learn is his thing.
About 2 hours into the dinner I realized it was gonna go much longer than anticipated so I text him and told him it was the longest dinner ever and that I might have to go straight home afterwards because the girl giving me a ride home was sleepy. He said he had met up with a friend for a drink and was only 5 minutes away in Ktown.
“Are you asking me to come save you?” he said, which I thought was weird cause it’s like No! I’m actually trying to bail on you!
We all moved up to the rooftop bar. We were at Perch, which is a wonderful place with a beautiful view. As we were sitting around the fire pit cause I was freezing (as usual) I told my friend and some dude I didn’t know a brief synopsis of this guy I met at a concert and asked if I should tell him to come over. My friend got all excited and said she would stay to make sure I was okay and I should 100% tell him to come over. So, I did!
He text me that he was there and I told him I was by the fire pit to the right of the bar by the exit sign (I’m so stupid for saying that because obviously every place ever has multiple exit signs). Instead of just coming to find me he wrote back and told me where he was. This went on for a few minutes…a battle of sorts. Finally I gave in and went to find him. He later told me that he did that on purpose cause he wanted me to come and get him. Weird!
About an hour later the birthday crew decided they were leaving, which I was relieved about because I think he was feeling overwhelmed. But, before they left they made sure to make it super awkward by saying he better not murder me and forced him to be in a photograph to show to the police in case he did in fact murder me. So, he says he will give me a ride home and they all leave and we are alone in this gorgeous, romantic setting. But, the conversation just wasn’t flowing the way I had hoped. He made me feel very challenged and weird. He was asking lots of questions but he had this attitude that made me feel like I was being quizzed…like he was judging every little thing I said. I feel this way a lot though and I’m fully aware that it has a lot to do with my insecurities. In this case though I think he really was judging me. For example, he interrupted me at one point to say, “Who is this band?” and then I said, “The Smiths” and he was like, “Oh good, we can keep hanging out”. I told him, “God! I was so nervous! I’m glad I got it right” He actually challenged me about music a lot throughout the night, which was annoying. I felt like saying “THIS ISN’T A COMPETITION! I LIKE MUSIC, YOU LIKE MUSIC, LETS JUST LISTEN TO SOME FUCKING MUSIC AND SHUT UP ABOUT IT!” But I didn’t say that.
He went on to do some light, sneaky bragging. But he tried to do it in a cool way. He would wait for me to ask a question and then act like he didn’t want to reveal too much cause he was super important. For example, he kept bringing up “the studio” as if he was saying “PLEASE ASK ME ABOUT THE STUDIO” so finally I said, “What is this studio you keep referring to? What do you do in the studio? Are you an artist? Musician?” He goes on to tell me he “runs a record label” but makes me ask which one and when I do he won’t answer until after I tell him what kind of music I like. At this point in the night I felt like he was being argumentative and very sarcastic so I started acting the same way. I responded, “Well you met me at a concert so I’d say it’s safe to assume that’s the kind of music I like”. Then he was like, “Oh, you won’t know about my label then”.
He did throw some compliments my way, but most of them were backhanded. For example, “I think it’s great that you are here in LA and you don’t have an agenda, so many people I meet have such an agenda” to which I replied “Ya, I’m pretty much agenda-less, I could actually use to have more of an agenda! Hahaha” He also kept interrupting me to tell me how cute I was while looking me up and down with sex eyes. It was a little creepy.
So, the bar did last call and we walked to his car where he presented me with another challenge…”since you are Miss Music and have that premium Spotify account I’ll let you choose the music”. Great! That’s the last thing I want to do so you can judge me some more! I put on Youth Lagoon and said “it’s pretty mellow so don’t fall asleep at the wheel!” He then asked me who it was but as soon as I told him started talking about how they were “ok” live and he’s surprised I’ve never seen them cause they play in LA all the time. If he’s seen them so many times then why didn’t he recognize it when I put it on? And why is he referring to it as ‘them’ when Youth Lagoon is one guy? Fishy!
Before he started the car he kissed me. It was a great kiss. But afterwards I feel like he looked at me funny. It seemed like he was saying with his eyes‘I’ve presented you with this gift, aren’t you going to say anything about it?’
He drives me home and parks and I’m thinking Dude! You aren’t coming in! He kisses me again and gives me that same weird look but this time his eyes are saying ‘invite me in’. Then he says, “Lets keep hanging out” and I say, “My place is a mess and I’m pretty tired” He argues with me…tells me he can guarantee me that he has selective amnesia and will forget how messy my place is. Which is bullshit. He’s like Judge Judy. There’s no way I’m letting him come into my place with his overly observant eyes! So, I tell him no a few more times and he kisses me again but this time his eyes are saying ‘Don’t you want more? How can you NOT invite me in?’
FINALLY he gives up and says he will walk me to my door where he kisses me again but this time I’m super uncomfortable because my neighbors are very nosy and might be watching and I’m also getting pretty tired of his begging looks and comments. He lingers…he pretends to be trying to peek in the windows but I just laugh and say goodnight. Then he texts me and says, “I bet your feet are cold” and I say, “Yes. Every part of me is cold right now.” and he says, “Too bad. I’m a furnace.” which I don’t reply to until this morning cause I was thinking Dude! Learn to take no for an answer!
This morning I text him and said, “You should introduce yourself to people like that…’Hi. Nice to meet you. I’m a furnace” He responds 4 hours later saying, “Much easier to go by Justin I think”. But Justin isn’t even his name! Or is it? I don’t really want to know!
I did like two things about him though…
1.) He looked like Justin Long
2.) He majored in Creative Writing, just like me!
I’ve decided (with a little help from some gals I know) that I’m no longer gonna be that ‘girl you can text at any hour and expect a reply’. So, to all my exes or guys I’ve dated or guys I’ve had one drunken makeout with: don’t text me unless you actually have something to say. Or you genuinely want to know how I’m doing. Or maybe you want to meet for a coffee and chat about life. Or books. Or movies. Just don’t text me at 2 or 3am when you are feeling lonely and need someone to stroke your ego or stroke your…uh…back. I know you get lonely, so do I. And maybe you really do miss me and want to talk about what happened between us after you threw flaming hot marshmallows at me. But, if that’s the case, tell me in person. Hell! You can even send me an email! Just please don’t text me Saturday night saying “hi” or “hi, hi” or “what are you doing tonight?” cause A.) You know I’m working and B.) It’s already 11:30pm and I know you’ve been drinking and C.) That shit fucks with my emotions!
Respectively not yours to text anymore,
P.S. Girls- you should keep texting me when you are drunk. xo
“Hey, have I met you?”
What I wanted to reply- “Yes, and if I politely declined your advances in person then why on earth would I accept your advances online!?”
But, I thought that sounded a little bitchy so I just ignored him. He actually gets points for admitting that he knew me cause the next guy to message me comes into my bar on blind dates A LOT. I’m talking 2+ times a week, always with a different girl, sometimes he pays, and sometimes he splits. He always stays for a longgggg time and has the cheapest wine on the menu and tips poorly. I’ve served him AT LEAST 50 times. He sends me a message saying…
“hi…how are you? i’m sam…nice to meet you. so how’s your weekend going so far? doing anything fun or interesting today?”
Seriously!? Nice to meet me!? Are you suffering from amnesia!? I didn’t write him back, mostly because his username was funsportyguy4u and I’m not really looking for a fun sporty guy with memory loss.
The next guy to message me was clearly pretty into me cause he messaged me 3 times. I didn’t write him back cause I wasn’t that excited about his profile and I was busy checking out some other dudes and answering all of the match questions so I could get better matches and looking at Facebook and just living my life, you know? Well, nothing gets by that guy! He noticed pretty fast that I had changed the order of my photos and sent me a 4thmessage saying…
“Oh, you can change the order of your photos but can’t give me a simple reply?”
Ummmmm wow! I’m gonna go ahead and say that this is NOT a good online dating approach. It makes you look like a psycho and if you are already needy and possessive when I haven’t even talked to you or met you then you are definitely gonna be full fledged crazy in real life. Thanks. No reply for you either.
Also in the last 24 hours I’ve been invited out for a drink by a midget (is it ok for midgets to get drunk??), been told I have a “cherubic” smile, had a bald man tell me he was jealous of my hair, and had a guy tell me to “have a nice summer” which made me feel like he was signing my yearbook (that was kinda cool just cause it made me feel young again). Oh, and one REALLY classy guy said “you can certainly find out how I feel inside your body… :-o”. I didn’t add that weird emoticon thingy for effect, that was actually part of the message. It’s been an eventful first day on OkCupid. I doubt I’m gonna meet the love of my life on there but I think I will stay on for entertainment purposes.
Other things I’ve noticed about OkCupid…
1.) A lot of guys have cats!